Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Sharks are the stupidest animals. I hate sharks.

There's a reason the Street Sharks are wearing neon green cutoff jean shorts, knee pads, and rollerblades. If you like sharks, you must be an 11-year-old boy from the '90s.

Everyone thinks sharks kick ass. But how kickass can you be when a punch in the nose incapacitates you completely? People think it's cool that sharks have hundreds of teeth. But they've got so many because their teeth are pansies and fall out all the time. Every little kid has acquired a shark tooth at some point in their childhood. You're not badass if children collect your teeth. People argue, "a shark could kick a bear's ass in a fight." Well duh--the shark has home field advantage. Bears aren't water animals. But at least they can somewhat swim on a basic level. If the bear had home field advantage and the battle was on land, the shark wouldn't be able to "somewhat walk on a basic level." It would die. Because sharks suck.

Why would you name a hockey team after a shark? Sharks have nothing to do with hockey. Evgeni Nabokov played with the Sharks for over a decade, and he knows that. That's why he left for the KHL. The 11-year-old kid from the '90s I mentioned earlier probably drew their logo. It's biting a hockey stick in half to tangentially relate sharks to hockey? Great. The "super hardcore aggressive animal" shtick is quite creative... for a high school football team. I actually appreciate that the jerseys are teal since it's a color we don't see all the time in sports uniforms, but what does teal have to do with sharks? Again, I refer you to the 11-year-old '90s kid.

A lot of sharks can't even see straight ahead, because they look dumb. Especially
hammerhead sharks. It's funny they're named after an inanimate object, because if sharks stop moving, they DIE. Tiger sharks look passable, but that it's because they're named after an animal that doesn't suck. Cats are the best animals. Name a feline that isn't awesome. You can't. Lions are a bit overrated, but they're still nifty.
Have you ever seen a Great White outside an aquarium? No. Because even the most revered shark of all is a coward. I hate sharks, and so should you.


  1. Like.

    Also, tigers are the best, good call.

  2. My attention was re-directed to this blog post after I heard of this (http://www.boston.com/news/local/breaking_news/2010/07/ouch_jellyfish.html) news story that occurred in my home state. I decided I should make the point that I respectively disagree with your assessment of sharks, and the threat of marine life in general. A big part of what makes any underwater assailant so formidable is the fact that it always has the element of surprise. One minute you are happily splashing around in waves of merriment, the next your are you are bitten or stung sometimes with fatal consequence. You can always see (and presumably prepare for) a lion or bear attack), but when a shark or giant jelly is on you...it's likely too late.

    -Adam Sylvain

  3. Sharks do, in fact, suck in general because they are fish and everyone knows that fish have no souls.

    That being said, no other animal has theme music anywhere near as cool as the Jaws music.

  4. This is bull and sharks are better than you. You are probaly mad because you probaly got a limb or somthing bit off. And cats suck they are scared of water and cant swimm good, so what now? And if you delete this it proves this evenmore, plus i would never hate sharks so good bye.

  5. Forget you and your Shark Hate, Street Sharks rule!

  6. Bravo! You are right. It's nice to read an article by someone who isn't deluded. Sharks suck. They kill people (I don't care if its one every ten years, that one could have been your child.). They compete with us for food. They should all die.

    1. You're really stupid and ignorant as f*ck...
      If u don't want ur child to die by shark then frkin take care of them.. U idiot sh#t..