2013 NHL jersey rankings

I wrote about changes in hockey jerseys this year, but I've never done a full NHL ranking of team sweaters. With a return to clean, classic looks being the new trend in jersey design, the NHL is looking better than ever 2013. This season is the most stagnant in a long time, uniform-wise, so it's the perfect opportunity to start my list. Without further ado:

30. Chicago Blackhawks

Hardcore hockey fans are always partial towards the sweaters of Original Six teams, and many folks in the hockey community point to this jersey in particular as the pinnacle of jersey aesthetics. I think it's absolutely atrocious. It's a boring sweater with no clear color scheme and an even more boring away jersey. But more importantly, it's racist. Defenders of the Blackhawks will say it's not nearly as incendiary as other Native American-named sports teams, like the Cleveland Indians and Washington Redskins. They even say it's "respectful." But how would you feel if there were a team called the Chicago Zulus, with a "respectful" cartoon tribal leader as its primary logo? In the 21st century, it's unacceptable. And unlike some other Native American-named teams, the Blackhawks have an easy way out: they could change the logo without changing the name, and "Blackhawks" could literally refer to birds rather than to an ethnic group of humans.

29. Anaheim Ducks

Chicago racism aside, this is by far the ugliest jersey in hockey and Anaheim knows it. They take every chance they can get to wear their slightly more colorful third jersey, and I wouldn't be surprised to see the third jersey become the new home jersey in a couple years. Even when I went to the Ducks home opener this year, more fans at Honda Center were wearing the third jersey than the home one. The home jersey has no personality, and the boring wordmark is too small to read from far away.
It frustrates me that all three California NHL teams feature predominantly black jerseys. Of all places to not wear black, you'd think it'd be California. The Ducks wear orange as a reference to Orange County where they play, which I'd like to see more of. And with the shoulder patch on their third jersey, they're even beginning to hint at their classic Mighty Ducks look. Perhaps it's a sign of things to come.

2013 MLS jersey rankings

I've been on a jersey roll lately! I did a Major League Soccer jersey ranking a few years ago, but it's time for a new one, especially when everyone's jersey is lightyears ahead of where they were last time I  did this list.

The MLS season started this past weekend, so there's no better time to rank the league's uniforms for the year. MLS has acknowledged jersey enthusiasts this year, with their first-ever "Jersey Week" revealing all the new kits for the season. Adidas does a great job with its MLS uniforms, so even the "worst" jerseys on this list look great compared to many teams around the world. So let's get started!

Note: there's a new number/name font for the back of MLS jerseys this year. It's a big improvement over the last one.

19. Portland Timbers

It breaks my heart to put Portland dead last. The last two seasons they wore perhaps my all-time favorite Major League Soccer kits. It's as if they didn't really know how to improve upon perfection, so they just went for a huge downgrade.

Both their home and away jerseys look very similar to their last set, but with unnecessary changes. I guess that's the real shame of the soccer world's constant jersey turnover cycle.

Why do they need those arbitrary white stripes on the sides? Why do they need that sci-fi triangle collar thing? That Portland city flag near the waist is nice, but why does it need to be in the shape of Oregon? Isn't that a bit redundant?

18. Montréal Impact

It's a shame that a team with such an iconic French-Canadian identity to capitalize on has such a lackluster uniform for its first couple years in MLS.

Yes, they wear blue and white and they feature the fleur-de-lis everywhere, but I can't help but feel that their shirts look like practice jerseys. And really, "Montréal Impact"? I still can't get over the fact that their team name is incredibly 1990s.

But there's hope! Last week the club unveiled their new third jersey, and it's a work of art. The Inter Milan-style blue-and-black stripes are timeless. One can only hope a shirt like this eventually becomes their home jersey.

International hockey jerseys: the countdown!

As I mentioned in my Spurs kit review, I've got a thing for uniforms. Let's start off by looking at international hockey sweaters! The last major tournament was the 2010 Winter Olympics, so those are the uniforms I'll be analyzing. Thanks to Icethetics.info for the great photos.

Nike made the jerseys for all twelve teams in the Olympics this year, so there are certain similarities between them. A number of the sweaters have the same name/number font, which happens to be the Vancouver Canucks' letter style... wonder if it's a coincidence, since that's where the Olympics were.

12. Switzerland (also wears a red jersey)

All twelve uniforms are fairly solid, but Switzerland's is the weakest. The Swiss cross is on the left breast like a soccer shirt, but that doesn't work in hockey. They've got all this extra real estate to work with, but all they do here is put a little cross in the corner. A big cross emblazoned across the chest would have looked great. Otherwise, it's a fairly simple uniform which works because of the simplicity of Switzerland's flag.

11. Russia (also wears a white jersey)

Russia has a great crest: a two-headed eagle. I wish it was bigger. But the blue accents on the red uniform don't match well at all, and look very elementary. I also believe if you have a logo, like the eagle, you shouldn't have your country's name spelled out below it, because presumably the role of the crest is to represent your team, so the written name is redundant. However, I appreciate that the word "Russia" is spelled out in Russian, instead of in English. There's so much more potential for the sweater than this. A nice touch is the watermark on the sleeves and waist you can only really see close-up, and don't show up on TV (check the image above of the white jersey, it's easier to see there).

10. Norway (also wears a white jersey)

Norway's uniforms are interesting because they're one of only two teams at the tournament, along with Sweden, to have a lace-up collar. The blue stripes on the sleeves, waist, and socks are great; they're very Norwegian. In place of a logo is "NORGE" diagonal across the front of the sweater, New York Rangers style (bonus points for spelling it in Norwegian instead of English). It's a very classic look, but Norway isn't a country with a winning and storied hockey tradition, so it's puzzling why they'd go so old-school. A team like theirs should be looking toward the future with a more modern look. This one is smartly designed but falls a bit flat.

9. Czech Republic (also wears a red jersey)

Four teams so far, four red jerseys. I'm torn over the Czech Republic's sweaters. I should love them. They feature a great national crest--coats of arms are always a success with me, as they're both very symbolic of the team and they just look classy. The Czech crest stands alone without the country's name underneath, which is smart design. And the name/number font used on the uniforms is unique among international hockey teams. But there's just something about these sweaters that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Perhaps it's the striping, which seems very casually designed and of no real meaning to the team or country.

8. Slovakia (also wears a white jersey)

Naturally, after the Czech Republic comes Slovakia. Finally, a national team that doesn't wear red! This may be part of the reason I like Slovakia's sweaters so much. On top of that, the specific shade of blue used on the uniform is eye-catching. This is probably the best usage of Nike's standard hockey jersey template of any international team. The Slovak national crest is simple yet distinctive, works well with the rest of the uniform, and is thankfully devoid of the country's name spelled out underneath. My main issue with this uniform is that while it's a great execution of a modern jersey, it works a bit too well with Nike's template. There's nothing that makes Slovakia's jerseys stand out in the crowd besides the fact that it's blue.

7. Canada (also wears a red jersey)

I want to hate this jersey so badly. It's big, bad Canada. It's another team in red. Below the logo is the name of the country, which is redundant (although I can't complain about the language of the country name, since Canada is "Canada" in both English and French). But it's hard to think of anything I would change about Canada's sweaters; they are Team Canada. Many Canadians were super pissed they weren't allowed to use the Hockey Canada logo during the Olympics (since national hockey federation logos are considered advertisement), but this one is even better. If you look closely, it's beautiful. The numbering and lettering font is different from most other teams, very matter-of-fact and very Canadian. Most teams suffer from their white jersey being not nearly as great as their dark jersey, but Canada has two equally iconic sweaters.

6. Belarus (also wears a white jersey)

There are a couple obvious design red flags in Belarus' jersey. It features a crest as well as the country's name underneath, and the name is in English instead of Belarusian or Russian. But I love that this is the first uniform on my list that features a color other than red, white, and blue as a primary color: green. The team may not be very talented (in fact, it looks as if the goalie in the picture is lamenting after a goal has been scored against him), but green on an international hockey sweater is awesome. And I love the crest of Belarus: instead of a fierce animal or medieval shield, it's wheat. And flowers.

5. United States (also wears a white jersey and third jersey)

Like our Neighbors to the North, many Americans were pissed Team USA couldn't use the USA Hockey logo on their jerseys. I, however, think that's fantastic. The USA Hockey logo sucks. Instead, we've got a great lettermark reminiscent of the 1980 Miracle on Ice uniforms. The dark blue with red around the waist is patriotic without being cheesy about it. The Canucks lettering and numbering font looks better on the USA jersey than on any other international sweater. Plus, much like the Russian jersey, there's watermarking on the sleeves and waist that can't be seen unless you're up close. In addition, the white away jersey isn't just a color palette swap of the blue sweater, and looks solid in its own right. The third jersey is a throwback to the other gold medal-winning USA team, the 1960 squad. It's very Rangers-ey; I wouldn't want it to be the home or away sweater, but for a third, it's alright.

4. Finland (also wears a blue jersey)

Finland's sky blue jerseys are majestic. Click the link above--Icethetics hasn't posted pics of the blue uni yet, so my photo to the left is the inferior white sweater. The blue stands out and gets you thinking Finnish. The crest is ancient and righteous, and although the name of the country accompanies it, the name has better placement and font than on other teams' jerseys, and it's the Finnish "Suomi," not "Finland"--there have been Finland jerseys in the past with the country name in English, so I'm glad these ones are in the native tongue. With the exception of a certain other Scandinavian country that has yet to be named, no other international hockey team has such an immediate color association as sky blue and Finland.

3. Germany (also wears a white jersey)

Germany is a rising power in the hockey world, but their uniform speaks with authority. A striking black sweater with eagle detail watermarks on the sleeves, it's an instantly recognizable jersey. The German black eagle coat of arms looks great, and although the name of the country is below, once again, it's written in German, which is good. Some people think black is overused in the NHL these days, but on the international level, it's a unique color scheme which stands out in a world of red, white, and blue. Yellow also pervades Germany's uniform, adding another element not seen on many international jerseys. Recently at the World Championship in Germany, they began wearing an all-yellow third jersey which looks even better than the standard white away jersey; hopefully the yellow will replace the white soon.

2. Latvia (also wears a white jersey)

You wouldn't expect a little hockey country like Latvia to make the #2 spot on this list. But their beautiful maroon color and smart integration of the word "LATVIJA" (in Latvian) into the waist of the sweater complement perhaps the best coat of arms of any international hockey team, the silver and white going great with the maroon. Teams with a uniform of these colors are few and far between; I'd like to see it more. Coincidentally, a club team that does have this color scheme is the only KHL team based out of Latvia, Dinamo Riga. Nearly the entire Latvian national team comes from this one club team.

1. Sweden (also wears a blue jersey)

Was this ever in question? Sweden is the only major international team with a non-white light jersey. Instead, they've got the iconic yellow. Besides Norway, this is the only uniform with the classy lace-up neck. The Tre Kronor is a flawless logo, and coincidentally, there's no "SWEDEN" written below it. This is arguably the best uniform in all of hockey. Since the Swedish national team was founded in 1920, this uniform has been virtually unchanged. It's perfect. It flows better than the Team Canada uniform, it's more creative than the Montreal Canadiens uniform. I wish I had more to say about this uniform, but it's perfect.

I know the Olympics happened a while ago, but I won't get another chance to rank these uniforms until 2014! Sometime next week or so, I'll be ranking World Cup kits. That will have to be more than double the length of this entry. Epic.

2013-14 NHL jersey rankings

Thanks to the fun lockout last season, this is the second time I'm doing this list in 2013! There have been a few uniform changes for this season, mostly for the better. My initial thoughts on most teams' uniform sets are in the old article linked above, and this article focuses mainly on changes for the 2013-14 season. Let's take a looksie.

30. Chicago Blackhawks

Uniforms unchanged from last season. Still as culturally insensitive as ever, but people still gush over them because it's an Original Six team.

29. Anaheim Ducks

Uniforms unchanged from last season. Still too much black for a Southern California team and still too boring of a logo. Luckily the team has officially declared the "Webbed D" crest is the team's primary logo, and the wordmark appearing on their home sweater is only the secondary logo. Makes no difference for this season, but hopefully it's a hint that the vastly superior third jersey will replace the home uni next season. Apparently Anaheim will be wearing a throwback Mighty Ducks jersey for at least one game this year: the more eggplant we see, the better.

28. Columbus Blue Jackets

Uniforms unchanged from last season. There are only a few clubs still using the design relic of the '90s that is the "full sleeve shoulder yoke." It seems only a matter of time before the Blue Jackets' jackets get a facelift.

27. Florida Panthers

The blue third jersey (which I actually liked!) is retired. Still needs a better primary logo, and they still get deducted points for calling themselves "Florida" when they're not the only NHL club in Florida.

26. Winnipeg Jets

Uniforms unchanged from last season. Still as boring as ever. It's only a matter of time until a "throwback" third jersey based on the classic Winnipeg sweater is introduced, and it eventually becomes the primary jersey: just like what happened with the Oilers, Sabres and Islanders.

2017 MLS jersey rankings

It's been a long time since I've done this. After the dark ages of the '90s and early '00s, it seems like sports teams in general are favoring cleaner, more classic looks these days... but are they TOO classy? They're North American soccer teams, after all, not centuries-old vaunted European globetrotting franchises. Some would argue MLS clubs have gone from one extreme (take a gander at these inaugural 1996 MLS jerseys) to the other, trying too hard to feel like some established cultural pillar that they're not. You gotta keep a LITTLE fun in there, right?

But I digress. To be fair, even the weakest of these are fairly well designed, so kudos to Major League Soccer for improving over the years. Without further ado, here's my ranking of all 22 MLS primary jerseys for the 2017 season, from worst to best:

22. New England Revolution

New England is a founding member of MLS, and for its entire 21-year history, it's struggled with an awful brand identity. A terrible team name, an abysmal team logo, a bland color scheme taken straight from the New England Patriots, and a long history of ugly jerseys. The shirt sponsor United Healthcare can't seem to pick a logo either, so they've got THREE brandings on here: The UHC initials, the United Healthcare wordmark, and their logo. Can't they just pick one?

This season's look is doing the most it can with the cards it's been dealt (and minimizes the amount of gray in the shirt, which was more heavily featured in older uniforms), but I can't help but feel like this team is overdue for a total brand makeover. It's not the '90s anymore! At least the stripe down the middle of the shirt with the chevron in the negative space is unique? Maybe the only good part of this whole thing.

21. FC Dallas

In previous seasons, FC Dallas has worn some really unique red and white horizontal stripes, but they get a bit muddied up in the new shirt. What are these stripes even trying to do now? And it bothers me that they don't go all the way around the shirt--the side panels and sleeves are blank red.

The "LH" patch on the shoulder is an homage to the team's late owner Lamar Hunt, which is alright, I guess. I would normally take issue with the cheesy American flag in the bottom corner of the shirt, but it's Texas, so of course they're gonna be hyper-patriotic. I'm okay with it!

20. Sporting Kansas City

Sporting KC used to have such a good thing going, but they got usurped in the "sky blue jersey" department by New York City FC down below, and they had to add that dumb collar. It's tough to make sky blue work in a jersey, since it's such an understated color--adding those little pale blue pinstripes don't make it look any better. I'm not opposed to the concept of collars on soccer jerseys, but this isn't some Portuguese team founded in the 1800s as much as the team name would like you to think so. And the team crest is such a blahhhhh, this all just looks like a preppy polo shirt.

I lived in Kansas City for a couple years (the real one in Missouri, not the fake one in Kansas) and went to see them anytime DC United was in town--SKC has passionate fans and their stadium is top-notch... even if it's on the *~Kansas~* side.

19. San Jose Earthquakes

I almost love this. This shirt isn't dead last because at least it marches to the tune of its own drum. This is almost embracing Major League Soccer's goofy '90s heritage in a way that still looks good... but it doesn't.

It stands out, but those asymmetrical gradient stripes are uuuugly. Maybe if it were a lighter shade of blue it'd look better? The team has played with shades approaching teal in the past, and those looked great. The whole shirt looks a bit too dark for a team playing in California of all places. Not to mention that in the Year of Our Lord 2017, the San Jose Earthquakes is a terrible team name that 13-year-old kids don't think is cool anymore.

18. Philadelphia Union

The current Philly uniform sticks pretty closely to the identity they've been rocking as long as they've been in MLS, since 2010. They get points for creativity--this is a Mexican soccer-inspired look through and through, from the team crest in the center of the shirt rather than on the left breast, to the Bimbo sponsorship. I wish the Bimbo logo had colors that matched the rest of the jersey, but it's kind of charming in its Mexican soccer throwback. I know the Mexican bread brand Bimbo draws jeers in the US, but it's the world's largest baking company, so it's whateva.

My main issue with Philadelphia's look is that their color scheme just doesn't inspire much passion. The team logo with the snake is pretty great, but navy blue is tough to pull off as an interesting primary color--maybe they'd do better to include more of the gold. And the fact that the Adidas logo is also centered on the shirt gives it a bit too much of a traffic light vibe--I wish it were off to the side.

17. Orlando City

This team has SUCH a great color scheme, but they had to design the least remarkable shirt possible for it. So much wasted potential. The textured look on the solid purple jersey is nice, but I don't have any other positive words for this. Too matchy-matchy. Not enough contrast on the team crest to make it legible. Can you see the lion's head on the badge at this size? Neither can I.

Why is there an old-fashioned collar on this shirt?! It would work great for some teams, but not a two-year-old team from ORLANDO, FLORIDA. This team should have a fun, vibrant shirt! Not these authoritarian-looking gold Adidas stripes on the shoulders.

16. Chicago Fire

A plain red jersey. Not bad, not great, but it passes the test. You can see the Chicago flag embossed really faintly in the bottom corner of the shirt--but if you're gonna make it so subtle, why put it there at all?

The white stripe across the chest of the shirt sets it apart from other MLS jerseys (and they've had it since the league's inception in 1996), but is anyone really dying to wear this shirt? The sponsor, paint company Valspar, is alright but not nearly as fun as their previous shirt sponsor: oatmeal company Quaker!

15. Real Salt Lake

Real Salt Lake has a great color scheme--ironic that the colors are taken from Spanish giants Barcelona, while their name is taken from Barça's arch-rival Real Madrid--but they don't take advantage of the colors enough with this jersey. They could be incorporating the blue and the gold more, but instead, it's mostly a plain (but pleasant) red jersey.

The sponsor logo could've worked on this shirt if they made it gold, but the fact that it's white makes this yet another forgettable shirt. I wish the shade of red used for this uniform weren't so bright--in the past they've used darker maroons that feel way more classy. Last of all, what's that American flag doing in the corner? I gave Dallas the pass for this because it's Dallas, but Salt Lake City? Ehhhh...

14. Colorado Rapids

Going with the West Ham / Aston Villa style maroon shirt with sky blue sleeves--not that special in the soccer world, but it's popular because it's a great color scheme and it's unique among North American teams. PLUS it matches the colors of Colorado's other sports teams, which is a nice little bonus.

The Colorado flag on the jock tag (did you know that's what that thing is called on sports jerseys?) is a welcome addition--you know I love flags--but I wish it were incorporated in a more interesting way. This is just a "pretty decent" jersey for a "pretty decent" team.

13. Toronto FC

This is a well-designed shirt, with the nifty stripes down the sides that continue onto the sleeves and the red-on-red glossy/matte red finish on the main body of the jersey. But dark gray is too innocuous of a secondary color, and why does it have to say "The Reds" on the right sleeve cuff? If you have to proclaim your own nickname, maybe it's not as iconic a nickname as you think it is.

Not to mention the fact that Toronto's sponsor is the Bank of Montreal, the city of their arch-rivals. Whyyyy?

12. New York Red Bulls

They nearly ruined a great shirt. I've already moved on from the fact that this team is named after an energy drink--Red Bull sponsors tons of sports teams, including the much bigger Red Bull Salzburg in Austria. The Red Bull logo is actually a pretty great design element on the shirt, even if it's a bit redundant to have it on the team crest as well as on the chest as a sponsor logo. RBNY has rocked the white with red detailing well lately... until they had to ruin it with this '90s-ass red laser thing on the corner of the shirt this year.

Maybe it's really an embrace of MLS' heritage as a product of the '90s? Maybe it'll grow on me? My gut reaction is "it's terrible," though.

I've always had a tough relationship with the "names on the lower back" thing that some sports teams do, but at least it's a bit different.

11. Houston Dynamo

The solid block creamsicle primary color isn't my fave, but at least it's distinctive. The tiny little horizontal stripes do a nice job of breaking up the block of color (although I wish the stripes went all the way around the shirt), and the wide white cuffs on the sleeves help a bit too.

Somehow the Texas flag on the jock tag here doesn't bother me nearly as much as the Colorado flag on the Rapids jersey--maybe because the rest of the shirt is less busy than the Rapids shirt?

10. Columbus Crew

This is a classy-ass jersey reminiscent of Borussia Dortmund, but not so much that it feels like a ripoff. Columbus has always toyed with how much black to show on their jerseys vs. the amount of yellow, and I think they hit a good balance here--the thick black cuffs on the sleeves are key. The true highlight of this shirt, though, are those taxicab checkerboards up the sides! Unnnnffff.

Columbus gets a minus, though, for wearing yellow shorts with these yellow shirts--way too matchy-matchy, especially for such a gaudy color. They should've gone with black shorts to compliment this great yellow shirt.

9. Atlanta United

One of the two new MLS clubs this year, this is a pretty solid look overall. The red and black with gold echo the NFL's Atlanta Falcons and the NBA's Atlanta Hawks--I always give points for color scheme consistency across a city's sports teams. Atlanta seems to often pick these colors to represent the burning of the city during the Civil War. The simple, circular "A" crest is meant to evoke the city's Olympic history, hosting the Summer Games in 1996.

The vertical stripes are a good look that's unique in MLS, and the gold Adidas stripes on the shoulders are classy (although a bit too German for my tastes). The sponsor, American Family Insurance, is a bit ehhhh, but at least its logo is gold to match the rest of the shirt. Overall, a well-executed debut jersey, although nothing here really wows me.

8. Minnesota United

The second new team in the league this year, Minnesota is trying to stand out a bit. And they get a lot right: the color scheme stands alone not just among MLS clubs, but in sports in general. The crest is well-designed, the diagonal stripe is unique (the only other American team to use it is LA), and the sponsor is pretty perfect--Target is one of the most widely-recognized local Minnesota businesses, even if it makes players look kinda like walking targets.

There's just something a little off, though. Gray and light blue are great colors, but they're tough to work together. Contrast will always be an issue, and because the team crest doesn't have a black outline around it, it sort of fades into the blue stripe... you can barely even see the North Star above the main body of the logo. And unfortunately, the gray primary color just ends up looking a bit too much like a practice jersey--I'm usually all about minimalism, but maybe this shirt needs a few more details to stand out? The little collar is a nice touch, and I'd like to see more stuff like that. Overall, this look has great potential, and I'm excited to see where Minnesota's jersey designs go from here.

7. Montreal Impact

This jersey is on the verge of being a classic. I'm all about civic pride and flag incorporation, and Montreal does it right: the blue and white come from the provincial flag of Quebec, and the symbols on the jock tag come straight from the city flag of Montreal: a Fleur-de-lys for Montreal's French heritage, a rose for its English heritage, a thistle for its Scottish heritage, and a shamrock for its Irish heritage. The local Bank of Montreal sponsor is a plus as well.

I just want to see this look simplified even more: there's a bit too much extraneous piping, and the shirt has the problem many striped jerseys do, where the stripes only exist on about 60% of the shirt: they're absent from the sleeves or the back where the jersey number goes.

6. New York City FC

It's difficult to judge this jersey on its own merits, since it borrows almost entirely from its older sibling club Manchester City. It's actually a slightly better uniform than Man City's weird speed cycling look this season, but all the design elements are the same. With that said, it's a great design! Classy colors, logo, and minimalist aesthetic.

Being the Big Apple's second MLS club after the New York Red Bulls, I love how petty NYCFC are by rubbing in your face that they actually play in New York City (the Red Bulls play in New Jersey). The NYC city flag on the jock tag is a nice touch, aside from the fact that no one cares about the NYC city flag--but it's a nifty subtle touch to continue the orange from the flag onto the tiny stripes on the sleeve cuffs.

5. D.C. United

Okay, maybe I'm a little biased here. Like Columbus with their colors, DCU has always played around with how much red to show on their shirt vs. the amount of black, and usually I'm in favor of as much red as possible. But the red showing up mainly on the Adidas stripes on the sides (in addition to in the team crest) is a stroke of genius--it's enough to make me a believer in the black. The thin red/white cuffs on the sleeves and the subtle black-on-black matte/glossy striping round out the A+ look, and I love the "TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION" on the inside of the neck.

I've only got two complaints: first is the shirt sponsor, Leidos. Replacing our super classy longtime sponsor Volkswagen, Leidos is a fucking shady defense contractor, and makes me feel like I'm supporting a corporate killing machine.

My second complaint is the DC map with the DC flag in it on the jock tag. I know what you're saying... "Jake, your city pride is through the roof, you've even got the DC flag tattooed on you! You should love this!" But I think it's a little overkill in this jersey. Hear me out: the DC flag is already represented in the body of the eagle on the team logo, so it's redundant to put the flag on the jock tag as well. And I'm never a fan of "flag in a map" imagery--if the flag is supposed to represent the city, why do we also need a map of the city? Again, it's redundant. If they wanted to do a cool local touch on the bottom of the jersey, they should've just featured Taxation Without Representation more prominently--or maybe a "51" to support statehood as the 51st state?

4. Los Angeles Galaxy

This is nearly a perfect shirt. The diagonal blue and gold stripes are simple yet distinctive, and stand out among other MLS clubs. The color scheme stands on its own. The blue Adidas stripes are classy. BUT: two small things.

First, I wish the stripe went all the way up the front of the shirt. The fact that it stops at the seam around the collarbone is real weird.

Second, and more egregious: that dumb jock tag. Most people are never even going to see it. But "THIS IS LA" feels like your dad trying to be cool. "LA" already appears in big letters on the team crest. Why you gotta ruin it??

3. Seattle Sounders

Seattle's got some of the most insufferable fans, but they probably encapsulate Major League Soccer better than anyone else. Their games are packed, and they hit the perfect balance of embracing the weird '90s heritage of American soccer while keeping a clean, classy look.

That neon green that's a bit obnoxious (in a good way) and connects to Seattle's other sports teams; those blue sleeves that keep the shirt from looking boring and the team crest that's pretty close to perfect. And unmatched sponsor integration(?!?!?)--not only is Xbox a local Washington state brand, but its wordmark is simple and to the point, and the colors match perfectly! Baba booey, there's not much else you could ask for.

2. Portland Timbers

It pains me to rank Portland so high. As long as they've been in the league, they've consistently always worn some of the best jerseys in North America. The pure simplicity is staggering: a minimalist crest that doesn't even feature the team wordmark. A simple sponsor logo that matches the color of the rest of the shirt (even if it's a little strange to see Alaska advertised on a shirt for a team from Oregon). Little flourishes like the buttoned neck, the subtle green-on-green striping, and Portland city flag on the jock tag, that all make the uniform stand out without feeling too gimmicky.

This jersey is similar in many ways to Orlando's, so what makes this one so much better? I think it's a few things. The sponsor logo is incorporated way better. Orlando has a decent team crest, but it's a bit too busy for the lack of contrast in the colors, so you can't really identify it from afar while Portland's axe is identifiable immediately. Most intangibly, I think this shirt fits the quiet, wooded city of Portland better, while sunny Orlando deserves a brighter look than they get. Context matters!

1. Vancouver Whitecaps

WHAAAAAA the Pacific Northwest with a 1-2-3 knockout punch here on this list! Everything I said about Seattle mixing '90s weird North American soccer heritage with a refined modern look applies to this shirt times ten. I'm sure some people HATE the Rocko's Modern Life triangles on this jersey, but I think they're perf. Without the triangles, this is a clean, classic looking jersey with a good crest, a well-integrated sponsor logo, and a fantastic color scheme that's able to make white work as a primary color.

WITH the triangles, this is... THE RAIN JERSEY. Seriously, click that link--Vancouver made a whole video on why the triangles on the shirt represent the rain. Not many cities can own rain as a point of pride, but Vancouver makes it work. It's wonderful. The only downside of this entire jersey is that the rain triangles don't continue onto the back of the shirt.

There you have it. Tell me how 100% correct I am in the comments?!?!?

Epic post! Ranking international soccer uniforms

A couple weeks ago, I posted a ranking of international hockey jerseys, and it quickly became the most popular article I've written on this blog so far. Naturally, the next step is to do the same thing with international soccer jerseys. The last major soccer tournament was of course the 2010 World Cup, with a staggering 32 uniforms to analyze. Let's get cracking.

32. North Korea (white away kit)

North Korea has switched kit manufacturers dozens of times, and lacks any sort of consistent image other than "we wear mostly red." North Korea isn't exactly interested in selling replica shirts to fans. They went with Italian manufacturer Legea for the World Cup, and sported a completely unremarkable get-up. On top of the amateur lettering and numbering, Legea didn't even put any sort of crest or logo on the breast, instead simply going with the country's flag. Poor design choices.

31. Nigeria (white away kit)

It was rumored the Nigeria Football Federation actually turned down this lackluster design by Adidas, but when the team arrived in South Africa, they were indeed wearing this kit which seems to be merely a generic green Adidas template with the NFF logo slapped on. This ranks ahead of North Korea because the white kit is at least a bit more interesting, with green trim on a still-boring white jersey.

30. Switzerland (white away kit)

I guess the Swiss enjoy snoozeworthy uniforms in all international tournaments, whether it be hockey or soccer. Another kit faux pas involving the country's flag instead of any sort of crest on the left breast, although it could have been amended if the white square border were eliminated since it's a red flag on a red shirt anyway. But unlike North Korea, they don't forget to include a logo as well--on the right breast. Swiss flag + Swiss Football Association logo + Puma logos everywhere = too busy.

29. Chile (white away kit)

Chile has used small American manufacturer Brooks Sports as its kit maker for a long time. Many Chileans are resentful of this relationship, and for good reason. Like two of the last three I've analyzed, it's a boring red shirt. The Chilean Football Federation has a great crest, but it's only featured as a shoulder patch on this jersey, with the breast being taken up by a lackluster near-flag logo. I appreciate when a team uses a manufacturer besides Adidas, Nike, or Puma, but not when the kits look like this.

28. Italy (white away kit)

This is almost the greatest kit of all time. It's Italy's classic blue jersey with a great crest and subtle green, white, and red lining on the collar. But then they had to add the watermark. If you look closely, you can see a watermark that covers the whole shirt, meant to be a gladiator's armor as some sort of allegory for footballers as warriors. But it just looks like fake abs. Once you see it, you can't un-see it. It's like when you're a little kid and you buy a Superman costume for Halloween with a built-in six pack. This shirt is the jersey equivalent of someone pooping on a delicious chocolate cake.

27. France (white away kit)

It's not a coincidence that two world soccer powers completely wet the bed during the World Cup. Italy and France imploded in South Africa, and they both also happened to wear horrific uniforms this year. Much like Italy, France has a smartly-designed crest, and their away strip is actually not bad at all. But the strange Transformers-esque red and white stripes on the stomach are inexplicable. It's like a 12-year-old kid in the '90s thought, "What would make this shirt look better? I know! Some arbitrary stomach stripes!" On top of that, the collar makes this look like a t-shirt.

26. The Netherlands (white away kit)

Strange, a team that made it to the final wore such an ugly shirt. As an 8-year-old kid watching my first World Cup in 1998, Holland was my team of choice because I loved the color orange. Maybe my tastes have changed, but what's more likely is the uniform has gotten worse. Orange is a tough color to work well into clothing. The Royal Dutch Football Association has a great lion crest, but the fact that it's on an orange background exactly the same color as the rest of the shirt makes this much uglier. Officially, the Oranje wear black shorts with the shirt that make the kit look cheap. Occasionally the team sports an all-orange look which is eons ahead of the orange-and-black look.

25. Greece (blue away kit)

Greece has a great crest with awesome Greek lettering, but it's ruined by the generic Adidas template. Oodles of MLS teams feature this noodly-trim design, from the Columbus Crew to Chivas USA, and I don't like it on any of them. What's the point? It clashes particularly with the Greek uniforms, because Greek aesthetic is characteristically so blocky, and this is so wavy and round. Perhaps the lines would look better if they were at right angles.

24. Australia (blue away kit)

I appreciate that this is the first team on the list not to have a white jersey, but the Socceroos' shirts are pretty basic nonetheless. The three-color kits are almost just t-shirts. But the awesome (if a bit too complex) crest saves it a little. In general, Nike's current soccer uniforms for all its international teams are a bit simplistic, but they're all made out of recycled bottles, which is pretty net and eco-friendly. You'll notice, though, that all Nike international shirts feature weird little band-aids on the end of the sleeves. I'm not sure what those are about.

23. New Zealand (black away kit)

Speaking of people that are nearly Australian, New Zealand has got a pretty simple kit. The All-Whites are a play off their famous rugby team, the All-Blacks, and the soccer team's away kits are a reference to that. The national emblem, the fern, looks great on these kits, although I'm not sure why it needs the words "NEW ZEALAND FOOTBALL" underneath. A bit redundant, eh? I can't help but wish the Kiwis would wear their black uniforms as home kits, though--no other team wears a black home shirt, and it looks awesome.

22. Slovenia (green away kit)

Slovenia's uniforms would be unremarkable, but they're the now-famous "Charlie Brown shirts." In fact, they're meant to be reminiscent of Slovenia's coat of arms, depicting the nation's mountains. This zig-zag pattern sort of overshadows the shirt's crest, which is quite modern and classy. However, the green and yellow away kit looks even better than this white and green home one, and I wish they'd be reversed.

21. Honduras (blue away kit and third kit)

This is a much more successful example of a team using a smaller kit manufacturer. The large crest in the middle is bold and powerful, and the blue stripe above it makes the whole shirt stand out. But the blue and white-striped third kid is even better, incorporating these aspects as well as some classy stripes from the chest down. Now if only the team wearing this shirt were as good as the kit itself. In addition, the shorts feature a giant Times New Roman letter H, which some people hate but I think is awesome.

20. Slovakia (white away kit)

Slovakia is one of the only countries to feature its national crest instead of its soccer federation's crest (or national flag). It's a very simple, minimalistic uniform that I would hazard to call generic if the colors and logo didn't work so well--much like the uniform of Slovakia's national hockey team. It's how Adidas should have gone about designing its boring Nigeria kit. One tidbit of note is that there's a lot of confusion about the home vs. away kits. Everyone thinks of Slovakia in blue, but at the games this past World Cup where they were the designated "home" team, they wore the inferior white uniform. Huh?

19. Denmark (white away kit)

The Danes are quite the fans of this weird optical illusion thing across the chest. I'm not sure what it is, but it's nifty, and other than that, this is a pretty clean retro shirt. The crest of the Danish Football Association is interesting, because the font used in its lettering is almost Arab-looking. Unfortunately, Denmark's away kit is devoid of the optical illusion and vastly inferior, although it does feature some nice red lining.

18. Brazil (blue away kit)

Readers will complain that I've placed arguably the most recognizable sports jersey in the world all the way down at #18 out of 32. But although Brazil's current kit features the iconic yellow shirt with blue shorts, to me there's just something missing. If the crest is so famous, why does it need the word "BRASIL" underneath? The green stripe along the shoulders doesn't add anything. I actually prefer the blue away kit, because it features a subtle dot design that adds to the depth of the shirt when you look at it up close.

17. Paraguay (white away kit)

Paraguay's away kit is a soulless Adidas template, almost identical to Greece's shirt. But the home kit is a classic design, something that's been virtually unchaged as long as the team has been around. One thing I really dislike, though, is the solid block on the back for the numbers. A lot of teams do this, I guess because they think it makes the numbers easier to read, but as you'll see later on in this list, you can easily make a uniform with true stripes on the back and still be able to read the numbers.

16. South Korea (white away kit)

The Taeguk Warriors have a sweet tiger crest, and the entire shirt features a stunning tiger print watermark. Other than this design, it's a fairly simple shirt, so it looks much cooler up close than on TV. Usually, I don't think blue on red without any sort of white buffer looks good (see: Russia's national hockey team jerseys), but the fact that it's mostly red with just a little blue trim and a blue crest makes it work excellently on this kit.

15. Ghana (red away kit)

The Black Stars wear a classy white shirt, with an eponymous black star subtly watermarked on the right shoulder. But I don't understand why they wear this. The away kit, red with gold stripes, is stunning. If it were the home kit, Ghana would probably be in my Top 5. I understand the importance of the black lining, though, which leads me to wonder why Ghana doesn't maybe wear a black home shirt. There is so much wasted potential here, but it's still a classy kit.

14. Algeria (green away kit)

There's a certain motif here of Puma creating kits for African teams where the home shirt is a sleek-but-not amazing white home shirt, and a breathtaking, colorful away strip. The home jersey has a cool desert fox lettermark on the right shoulder and the green/red lining looks great. But the away shirt, green with red and white pinstripes, is superior in every way. It's a wonder why this masterpiece of a shirt isn't the home choice. Ghana and Algeria face nearly identical jersey crises. Hmm.

13. Serbia (white away kit)

Serbia's design of a white cross on red, while reminding me of Denmark, sets it apart from everything else. While the crest is a bit redundant (a logo of a white cross on red, on a jersey which is a white cross on red). The blue band-aid things on the sleeves add a nice soft third color which is not found on the rest of the jersey. The predictable white away jersey does not quite live up to the home strip, but that's okay with me when the home shirt looks so great.

12. Uruguay (white away kit)

Uruguay has the best flag in the world. So how to recreate that imagery in soccer jersey form? The sky blue color stands out, and the Suns of May watermarked all over the jersey are both awesome and friendly! One aspect I take issue with, though, is the badge. Normally, a team wears stars above their badge for every World Cup they've won. Uruguay has won two, but they wear four stars, representing the two Olympic gold medals they won before the World Cup existed. I think this is BS. Make it two stars, and this would be a better kit.

11. England (red away kit)

It bums me out that England was the only country at the World Cup with a kit made by Umbro. Umbro's overall products are smarter than any other major kit manufacturer. England went retro this year, with a perfectly designed, clean home kit. The red away shirt is even more striking, featuring great white cuffs on scarlet shirts. The famous Three Lions crest is ancient and meaningful, and should never be changed from how it looks here. I especially love how the single star (representing England's only World Cup title) is stitched in the same color as the shirt, making it more humble and subdued.

10. United States (blue away kit)

This one grew on me. When it was first revealed, I thought the diagonal striple looked dumb, and the much bolder blue away kit looked superior in every way. But the more I see this, the more I love it. The stripe is very subtle, and can't really be seen from far away on TV. It's a little reference to the kits the U.S. wore in the 1950 World Cup when a bunch of American amateurs defeated the highly-touted English squad. My only issue with the U.S. jerseys is the crest. It's "US" in big blocky letters, and a soccer ball. Couldn't we use the righteous "Don't Tread on Me" logo?

9. Portugal (white away kit)

Portugal has always had classy uniforms. Their badge is ancient and medieval-looking while still retaining simplicity, a key factor for crests. The big green stripe across the chest makes the whole shirt harken back to the Portuguese flag. I also really like that the white away strip isn't just a color palette swap of the home kit--it's a solid, classic jersey in its own right. Portugal takes advantage of Nike's minimalist design style better than any other team.

8. Mexico (black away kit)

As a U.S. soccer fan, I'm predisposed to dislike El Tri, but even I must admit their kit this year is stylin'. It's got Mexico's classic shade of green and its eagle crest, but the devil's in the details. The shirt features a creative feather pattern playing on the national symbol of the country. The black away jersey is a different beast entirely, and it integrates green, red, and white detailing in a smart way to create a distint-yet-relatable secondary strip.

7. South Africa (green away kit)

South Africa's Adidas strip is well-desgined for a lot of the same reasons as the Mexico kit. The country's signature gold color is accented with an intricate collar pattern. For hosting their first World Cup, South Africa clearly put a ton of effort into their uniforms. The green away jersey looks just as sharp, and features a watermark design own the chest and stomach in the shape of the South African flag.

6. Japan (white away kit)

I should dislike this jersey. It features the Japanese flag as well as the word "JAPAN" as well as the Japan Football Association badge. I should say it's too busy. But I love it. It looks very smart together, and the little red stripe in the middle of the chest is a nice touch. There's a feathery watermark all over the shirt that makes the Blue Samurais look much more detailed from up close, while still maintaining a solid image from afar. The fantastic JFA crest just completes the image.

5. Cameroon (yellow away kit)

Cameroon's kit is Puma's Ghana/Algeria dilemma done right. Not only is the yellow away kit (with red pinstripes) fantastic, but the green home kit is fantastic as well. The fact that it's worn with red shorts and yellow socks makes it look even greater. The Indomitable Lions, as they're known, feature not one but two lions on the shirt: one on the left breast and one as a Lion King-style watermark on the right shoulder. As a matter of fact, writing this post made me realize how much I really love this kit.

4. Argentina (blue away kit)

Argentina executes the concept of the striped shirt perfectly. Unlike Paraguay that has an ugly block on the back for numbering, Argentina makes the numbers legible while retaining the stripes, and looks sharper as a result. The crest is perfect, the shade of blue is perfect, this is nearly impeccable. It's interesting Argentina employs a dark blue away kit, as this makes them one of the only teams to feature home and away kits that primarily feature different shades of the same color.

3. Ivory Coast (green away kit)

Ivory Coast has all the great things I said about Cameroon's kit, but even more so. I love this shade of bright orange. Maybe this is how the Netherlands should have done their uniform? I don't think so, though. This is uniquely African. The green and white-hooped away kit is just as stunning, and the elephant imagery throughout is boisterous and fun, with an awesome pachyderm crest, and an elephant wailing on the watermarked right shoulder.

2. Spain (blue away kit)

It's no wonder Spain won the World Cup. They've got a great uniform. The dotted line collar. The magestic crest. The bright red. It's perfect. It's a good thing they don't use the Royal Spanish Football Federation logo, which sucks. The dark blue away kits are smart as well, but the all-dark secondary strip doesn't work too well. If they wore red shorts instead of blue with the blue shirts, the away kit would be just as intense as the home strip. It's sort of ironic, because Spain won the World Cup wearing these inferior blue shirts, and after they won, they switched to brand-new red shirts... with a star newly emblazoned above the badge.

1. Germany (black away kit)

I know it's simple and white, but Germany wears the perfect kit. An iconic gold eagle crest upon a thin reserved-yet-strong stripe down the left side of the shirt speaks more than a loud, out-there shirt ever could. The strategic use of black throughout the strip is intelligent and well-placed. The jet-black away kit is like an expensive German automobile, with fancy detailing on a sleek jet finish. This is an image that will last for decades to come. It's fitting Adidas, by far the smartest kit manufacturer in 2010, completes their coup with the company's home nation taking the top spot.